How to diagnose and cure senioritis

Futo Wada

A threatening seasonal disease is striking almost a quarter of Conant students once again.

Visits to the nurse’s office have risen exponentially since winter break. The nurse has reported the following issues*:

  • Sluggishness
  • Irritable
  • Slow response time
  • Racoon eyes
  • Lack of emotion
  • Blank stares
  • Constant groaning
  • Lifelessness

No, this is not a zombie plague. It is Senioritis.

Seniors all over the school are becoming lifeless. This disease does not discriminate within the senior class. Anyone can catch this disease, no matter their GPA, ambition, or work ethic.

Please consider reaching out for medical attention if you notice you or a friend experiencing any of the following symptoms:

  • Excessive victimization about receiving bad grades
  • Lack of remorse for all the “missings” in the grade book
  • Lack of any motivation
  • Constant episodes of forgetfulness about responsibilities
  • Lashing out at innocent teachers
  • Selective memory loss
  • Iced coffee cravings
  • Summer time hallucinations
  • Chronic sweatpants wearing
  • Frequent trips to the “bathroom”
  • Napping in the front row
  • Test fever
  • “Every day feels like a Monday” blues
  • Disappearance from extracurricular activities
  • Managing to get zeros on completion grades
  • Turning in a quiz half blank
  • Humming “Pomp and Circumstance”

Exercise caution when confronting these individuals. The only type of problem-solving these students are doing is “How to not exceed five absences?” Senioritis can get so bad that afflicted students don’t even care about exceeding their five absences and embrace bombing their finals.

To combat Senioritis, take several doses of sunlight and fresh air. Limit social media time and just get some work done. It helps to stay organized, so contact your primary care physician for a prescription of a daily planner. Set reachable short term goals to keep on track. Make lifestyle changes like eating healthy or exercising. Before you know it, prom and graduation will be here. These ideas can also serve as precautionary measures to take to avoid catching the disease.

Senioritis can vary in severity among the population. Some individuals start experiencing symptoms as early as junior year, and others inconveniently get hit right before AP testing.

Unfortunately, teachers are not officially trained to combat Senioritis in their students. Some teachers try to do their part by accommodating their lesson plans around this disease.

It is important to try to keep Senioritis under control. Otherwise, in some serious cases, students can perform horribly academically and get rescinded from their college. Contact your doctor before symptoms become irreversible.

*This article is satire. The Crier has not consulted the school nurse about senioritis.

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